Why I Ghost

Yes, I admit it, I have ghosted romantic partners. Despite the common trope of a person who ghosts being immature or cruel, I am not ashamed. Simply put, I am less concerned with being polite than I am for my own safety.

Let me make it clear to the reader that I abhor online dating. Every time I meet up with a person for the first time in a public and crowded place, making sure I park my car where there are cameras, I must wait and see if the person only created a façade of being normal on an app. Master manipulators exist throughout your daily life, of course, so it is not just strangers on the internet; but, when you are not aware of any mutual connections, you are having to discover potential red flags all by yourself, which may not show until later.

I have been stalked before by someone via a dating app. I went on a single date with him, where he did not display any stereotypical signs that he would become a stalker; however, his personality was bland and he displayed little confidence in himself by using outdated images that did not show his more recent weight gain or hair line, therefore, I was not interested in a second date. The next day when he asked to schedule a second date, I replied, “Hey, sorry, I don’t see us having too strong of a connection so I don’t think we should go on a second date. Best of luck out there!” This was the beginning of a dangerous situation.

I want to remind the reader, I only met this individual one time over the span of less than two hours at lunch with two weeks on conversation via messaging beforehand. He did not accept no for an answer. He began his unacceptable behavior by texting me multiple times, daily, pleading to give him another chance and that he could “do better” (I still don’t understand what exactly he was going to “do better” at, also, reminder to not give anyone your cell phone number until you confirm they are who they say they are). Then, he learned who I was friends with. I do not know how he discovered my friends, but it must have been through social media somehow, even though I never gave him my last name. He began to scare me when he contacted my friends, asking them to convince me to give him another chance. Finally, I saw him in the parking lot of my apartment complex while I was walking my dog. Thankfully, I saw him before he noticed me, so I was able to run away for two hours, returning after he was gone; but, I still do not know how he learned of where I lived, and that is continually petrifying.

Of course, not every man is like this. I can understand being offended at the idea of me thinking that you will act like this, but this is only the tip of the iceberg for me with abusive romantic partners. After escaping an abusive relationship that lasted almost three years, I am extremely wary of getting into a similar situation again. Characteristics in a person that may be harmless to someone else, I will recognize as a red flag: initiating me to immediately plan an exit strategy. The exit strategy is not always simply a quick disappearance, but, a slow retreat. If I abruptly disappear, I may ignite a dangerous stalker.

Call me selfish, childish, heartless, or whatever you may, but I know I am not the only one. Studies estimate that 12.1 million women and 3.7 million men in the United States have been stalked in their lifetime, and 6 million women and 1.4 million men are stalked annually. Despite the term being new, ghosting is not a new concept. Social media and smart phones generated an ease of daily and regular conversation that was not expected in previous generations. Who would expect to be “broken up with” after a single date in the 1950s? Of course, longer lasting relationships are a different story completely. The threat of violence and abuse increases the longer you are in a relationship with the person, effectuating a more difficult escape plan than merely not responding to text messages (read: Why Don’t They Just Leave?).

In conclusion:

Ghostees: Show grace towards those who ghost you. The reasons they ghost you may be solely because of their own experiences and does not reflect on you as a person. If someone does take the time to explain why an interaction with you was triggering, try to empathize with their plight. There are plenty of fish in the sea, better luck on the next one.

Ghosters: Do not feel guilty. Your safety is a priority above anything else. If you find yourself ghosting every individual you begin to date, however, it may be helpful to discuss with your mental health provider what is causing your anxiety reaction and brainstorm dating approaches to either weed out individuals who will not work before attempting to date them or communicate with partners your boundaries.